The rest of the story...

"Face book is a place to vent - right? 
Well, then, Primary was just plain awful today. I cried all the way home."

Here is the rest of the story:

Sunday, January 12, 2014

(I am changing names to protect the guilty):

I am the Primary President in the little Bayonne Branch.  I have one helper who is learning how to be a leader.  We have one class for a range of children from ages 3 to 10.  I am the president, the music leader, the teacher and the nursery leader.  My good helper/counselor supports me and is beginning to help with the teaching.  

Last week’s Primary experience was straight from heaven (see last week’s blog post).  This week’s experience was from the other direction.  The difficulty had nothing to do with it being the start of a new year, because in this Primary, nobody advances to the next age class.  We simply change the course of study and try to adapt it to all the ages.  The difficulty came with the fact that all five non-member children came to church (walked to church by the missionaries) and brought along two of their friends.  Our small space (and I) was simply overwhelmed with seven rowdy children joining our group to make a total of 12.  I had the unexpected task of teaching 12 children who range in age from 3 to 11 without any notice. 

The novelty of Primary had worn off for the newbie’s and they felt right at home to be obnoxious, etc.  When they all clamored to give the opening prayer and the noise level rose higher and higher, Jeremy (age 9) stood and screamed at the top of his lungs.  I immediately told him that was not appropriate behavior and had him go sit in the corner next to our branch president who had come in to help his poor little sunbeam adapt to this new unruly place she was suddenly not familiar with anymore.  Well, it goes on and on from there, with me and my helper doing our best under the circumstances including having to send Jeremy out of the class and telling the missionaries they needed to walk him home (he ended up just going in to the class the missionaries were in and being good – of course). I was ready to send his friend home too, but he pleaded with me to please give him another chance.  I did. 

There was one bright spot – when we were reviewing the song “If the Savior Stood Beside Me” (which I had taught to all of them 3 weeks ago when they first came to church) – when little Jimmy (age 6) took from the art table a paper and wrote a message to me while we were singing which said, “I love this song.”  He also came to the front and sang the song solo.  All of the new children remembered it well and James (age 10) said that he sang it all the time at home.

I didn't have enough things planned to keep this diverse group interested and happy.  With 45 minutes still left in Primary, I let them play with the nursery toys, draw, eat fruit loops (a “snack” donated by a parent once that I had planned to dump in the garbage) all the while primary music was playing in the background and I was feeling like a number one failure!

With 10 minutes left I gathered the children together for a closing prayer but before, I said to them (it taking all my self control to not cry) that primary had been hard for me today.  That sobered them up right away.  I told them that they may not be able to come back to primary unless their mother came with them because many of them had been naughty.  They were seriously nervous and worried. 

I cleaned up the room and walked home, finally able to let the tears flow.  I felt like I hadn’t done my part to make primary a successful experience (as it had been the week before).  I truly felt like it was my fault.  I prayed to learn the lesson this adversity offered me and just cried.  I felt embarrassed that the one and only time the branch president had observed me in primary was today, when I had come up short. 

I needed someone to cry to and share my feelings of failure.  Elder Burt (Jeff) would not be home for some time.  I took a chance and “vented” to my “face book friends”.  I went to my room and knelt in prayer and asked the Lord’s forgiveness for my part in my lack of preparation and prayed for comfort. 

I returned to my face book page to check if perhaps I might find support and comfort there and was overwhelmed with the sweet messages I read there – which made me cry all the more. Thank you to all who took the time to send me a message of support.

Blessedly, my daughter Allie skyped after she read my post.  It was so sweet to have the tables turned and feel her love and support and to have a safe place to shed my tears and feel her great love for me. 

I then got a text message from my husband that he was on his way home and bringing our branch president with him.  Oh no!  Well there was no hiding my tears at this point.

When our branch president entered our apartment he came straight to me with open arms and hugged me.  He told me he was going to make some immediate changes.  First, call another helper for me in primary. Second, inform the missionaries that these non-member children can no longer attend primary without their mother being present – no more free daycare.  If their mother isn't present, they will need to return home after sacrament meeting.  He knows that unless their mother takes the missionary lessons and is converted herself, that her children basically have no chance to remain active in the church (if they are baptized) without parental support.  He then with the greatest love assured me that I was heaven sent to this branch and that our influence here was monumental and that I in no way should feel like a failure because of what happened today.  He shared some other things that he had observed about the children that I had been unaware of - like during the sacrament when he heard one of the kids say, "Oh, good the water's coming.  Pass the shots around!" He said that they would not be able to partake of the sacrament again until their behavior toward this sacred ordinance changed.  He shared with me that it is only because heaven restrained him that he did not lose his temper big time with those children during the hour he was in primary, watching and listening to their unruly behavior and he was amazed at how well I did handle it but he was also determined by looking at my face - that this would never happen again and that we would not put at jeopardy the spiritual growth of our member children.

Before he left our home, he asked if he could offer a prayer.  It was a tender, sweet and healing thing to hear him pray for my comfort and to thank the Lord for sending us here. I felt so much better after his visit and am so grateful for an inspired branch president's love and support.

After he left Sara skyped and as I looked into the computer screen there sitting on her lap was "my" sweet baby Peter – who I had loved and cared for as a newborn when his mommy was so sick.  I began to weep immediately at the gift of seeing that sweet baby boy in his now healthy mother’s arms.  She absolutely new that seeing that baby would be a gift to me and she wanted to bless me – somehow.  It worked.

It’s a strange and wonderful thing to watch the unfolding of my own heart made right.  Thank you to all who aided in that unfolding.  I am grateful.